I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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