i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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