i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
