In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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