you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
