my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
