DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
