Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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