It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
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Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
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But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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