he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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