My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
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