my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Randomize
