I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
