I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
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