I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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