I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
