Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
