at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
