I faked an abortion last night.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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