so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
