New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize