Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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