To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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