'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
