she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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