So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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