Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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