you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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