real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
