My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
