I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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