Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
