The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
