I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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