i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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