He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
this hospital has no fireball
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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