She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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