i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
