writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
