I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
