Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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