Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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