moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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