Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
