I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
