im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
