I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
