So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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