the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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