you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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