If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
