I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
