why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
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