I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She's the barista slut.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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