are you still at the devil's house?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
