I cockslap morals
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
