i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize