i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
