So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
