Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
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she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
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Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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